While speaking to someone the other day, the subject of successful communication came up. As we were talking about it, it occurred to me that often we place a majority of the burden for a successful communication on the listener. Comments such as, “he wasn’t listening at all” or, “I was speaking plain English, why couldn’t she understand my point?” are common. However, I would suggest the responsibility for a successful communication lies equally with both the listener and the speaker. When only one party makes the effort to hone their communication skills, the chances of both parties walking away with the same understanding are slim.

Let’s dissect each person’s role:

The Listener: You’ve likely heard of the concept of Active Listening, where you repeat and rephrase what you’ve heard the other person say to insure understanding. In Active Listening, you avoid using any personal filters, put down any defensiveness and focus on hearing the true message of the sender. Your responsibility is to be open to receiving the truly intended message, and if you are unclear of the message, seek clarification until you become certain. Through this back and forth process of clarifying understanding, it will become painfully clear to both parties where the communication roadblocks may be. If both parties are paying attention, both can learn something about how to communicate more effectively.

The Speaker: The speaker should work hard to communicate in a way that the listener can best absorb. This may mean choosing different words, changing your non-verbal cues, taking aggressive or controlling phrases out of your vocabulary such as “you need to” or “you should,” or softening your voice. If you know you are having a hard day or are tremendously busy, it might mean waiting to approach something until you can be neutral and not spill over onto your listener. If you tend to ramble or jump around, plan what you intend to say and do so in the most focused manner possible. As the speaker, recognizing how you are being misunderstood, knowing your limitations and hot buttons and working to replace them will greatly improve the success with which you communicate.

As you can see, it does take two people to communicate. Whether you’re the listener or the speaker, be responsible for your part. Make a conscious effort to communicate. Don’t walk away from a conversation blaming the other for any difficulty or misunderstanding. Just as one fighter can’t win or lose a prizefight by himself, one person alone can’t make or break successful communication.

To practice your active “listening” skills, I’d love to hear what you took away from this blog post…